Love After Love

The time will come

when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

 You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back to your heart

to itself, the stranger who has loved you.

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

Peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott

It has been a while since my last entry. So much has happened since and I've been in so many places in the last two years my memories of the places I've been and lived get all jumbled together. I sold the bike that took me from Tucson to Chicago to someone who will love her and ride her as much as I did. I've traveled by car this time to New Mexico then back to Tucson. Staying at an intentional community for a couple of months then with a friend in Marana just north of Tucson. I met someone who then broke my heart. I am now a landowner and home builder, living off-grid and showering outside even in the chill that is Northern Arizona right now. The days are slow and I love that. I live among lines of juniper trees and wild animals. I am surrounded by mountains and nothing else. I wake with the sun and go to bed when it goes down. I am still in awe every time it rises and sets. Like it's the first time each day. We get a lot more rain here than in Tucson but the sun when it's out which is often is just as warm and the skies are just as blue. I have a mountain bike which I don't ride as often as I'd like to. I just can't seem to get into it. I really miss the feel of soft even road, the speed. It was like meditating for me. So now I'm out of shape and have gained some weight but it's not all hopeless. If you know me you know that I always have to keep my optimism and that I'll be at elite level of athleticism again by spring. Yup. We'll see. The good news is I've lost 20 pounds and I'm running a few miles again. I've been in Tucson the last couple of weeks. I've spent the time mostly hiking and biking. Tumamoc Hill is one of the most popular spots for Tucson locals wanting to get a hike in but not be completely out of the city. It gains 600 feet in just 1.5 miles making it super steep, so if you're running you wanna slow down on the down hill or your knees will hate you in the morning. You'll definitely have buns of steel if you did this for a few weeks though. Anyway, I'm out of shape with a broken heart, I own 10 acres of land in the middle of no where. The nearest town has 2 gas stations, 2 restaurants, and a family dollar. If you want groceries you have to drive another 20 miles to Safeway. Flagstaff is another 50 miles, making it a 3 hour round trip for bread. But did I tell you all how much I love it? I do. I just never imagined myself becoming this person. Living in a small town and owning a pair a work boots, building my house. Planning is not something I do or ever will. The person I was before this seems like a million years ago. I realize now that you don't get to that imaginary finish line ever. It is just a series of reinventing ourselves over and over again. Some days are easier than others while some will crush you. Enough that you'll want lay in bed in the fetal position until it's all over.