This, too, shall pass.

"To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work." -Mary Oliver 

My path to recovery is unknown and I am still liable to setbacks. I had one this Sunday and spent most of it in bed. It could be another 3 months, or another 3 years. I'm hoping for something in between. I will just be happy with the ability to have some life back. To make plans with friends for a night out and not have to bail at the last minute. I would be lying if I said my heart isn't set on more hard climbs, and racing cross country and going for that sub 1.5 hour half. I may not ever get to do those things again, at least at the same level. I have come to accept it and have made my peace with all of it. If something like this doesn't change you. Nothing will. I literally got knocked on my ass and have been force fed some humble pie. Not the way I imagined my life would be here, but it has truly and I'm glad I'm at a place where I can say this, it has been a blessing in disguise. And universe, if you're fucking listening, I truly thank you but can we stop with all the fucked up blessings? I've had my fair share, thanks! I've always been a person who has been hyper aware of their surroundings and I've always been that person who stops and smells the flowers and pets the puppies. I'm the person who loves hugging strangers (I make sure to ask). I strike up conversations at the grocery stores and I talk to the people servicing me. Those are the things that have always mattered but they matter so much more now. The mornings I wake up and I have even a small ounce of energy is a huge celebration. I notice all the things moving slowly because I move at a much slower pace. And I guess you could be where I am and not give a fuck and just be completely miserable. It would be completely understandable. I kind of went a little crazy arriving to my favorite place on earth. I wanted to get to everything and everyone. To go drink my favorite coffee. To have the gooey bagel from the co-op. All the brunches and lunches with some of my favorite people. It all came to a screeching halt Sunday night. My heart pumping at an incredible pace. My muscles achy and spasming uncontrollably. The lack of balance and vertigo. My stomach in complete unrest. I'm getting better at noticing the first signals before I arrive at this destination. A relapse even if it's been a while is still a terrifying thing because I know what's coming and that is complete isolation because there is zero energy for anything but surviving the day intact. And so Monday I was in bed most of the day but now my door opens right out to sunshine and air. When I had that extra oomph I would step outside in my pajamas and throw my arms up to fully take it all in. A huge smile on my face. My body and my racing heart begins to calm itself. My mind at ease, 'this too shall pass'.